Why I Hate Tabloids
by Meiriona
Summary: The H.I.V.E F.I.V.E nearly die laughing, Raven gets taken out of context, is sexuality fluid underwater, and more, when Jinx reads the tabloids


Why I hate Tabloids.

"Guys, get over here!" Jinx was in tears at the local café. The H.I.V.E F.I.V.E had taken a day off to hang about, and Jinx had decided to check out the 'Jump on Jump', a tabloid that specialized in the meta-human community in Jump City. Today they were supposed to have months worth of news.

Gizmo was the first to respond, followed by about forty Billy's. "Love is in the air? Today it has been confirmed that the two Titans known as Robin and Starfire were indeed together at a junior prom. Since then the pair has been seen in various locations engaging in actions a young boy wonder should have no knowledge of. When confronted about their relationship, Robin responded by stating that 'The first thing I remember about her, well, she attacked me, then kissed me, and then the titans were born.' So it seems that if the lovers of the team were to have a falling out, the heroic teens would lose all pretense of order. Rumors are that the attire of the alien princess has changed to become far more provocative since her arrival, and when consulting the local empath we received confirmation that their lust has caused her serious annoyance, as it interrupts her meditation sequences."

Gizmo hit the ground, gasping for breath. "My, god. The sludge heads are goin' at it in the tower. This is priceless. Gimme that."

Gizmo picked it up, and went wide eyed. "Mammoth, you owe me twenty! Get this: Opposites attract? Beast Boy and Raven, unwilling lovers? Sources say that the two teammates have become closer after a weakened Raven fell unconscious at the scene of a battle, and had to be carried off the scene by a heavily blushing Beast Boy. It has been seen that Raven takes great pains to comment on the lack of intelligence of the green teen, often turning his would be failures of jokes into something side splitting with her dry wit. While the changeling has suffered greatly from the loss of his first love, one Terra, Raven has done everything in her power to console him, and even spends much time looking for a way to reverse the condition to restore the geomancer to her former state. If this were to happen, though, what would become of this pair? Would the witch sacrifice her love for his happiness? Many say Raven never liked the earth mage, and was reluctant to trust her from the beginning. The rest of the team refuses to speak on the subject, saying that Terra was a touchy subject for all of them."

Mammoth grumbled, handing over the money. "Lemme see that!" Mammoth grabbed the paper, nearly ripping it, then dropped it like he had been scalded.

"What?" Jinx asked, reaching for the tabloid. Mammoth quickly covered it with a hand, blocking it from view. "N-nothing….nothing…."

Kyd Wykkyd reached through a portal to snatch it up, and read the article in question. The mute reality bender let out a silent chuckle, shaking, clutching the paper to his chest. Instead of showing it to Jinx, he flipped a page and found another one, so as to provide himself time to escape.

Billy looked over his shoulder at the distraction article, then promptly divided into ten and hit the ground, pounding and choking on laughter. "There is fer sure some grade ay strange stuff eh? 'Titans east heartthrobs, breaking fangirls hearts. Of the Titans east, the two adult males of the team have been attracting some attention. Speedy and Aqualad have been seen together enjoying pizza, leading those of us who pay attention to speculate at the extent of their relationship. When we asked the archer is he was seeing anyone special, he looked to his partner, raised and eyebrow and declined comment. After a short interview with the Atlantean, we are told that the surface world concept of sexuality is not found beneath the waves, and that the discrimination of one who enjoys the company if the same gender seems absurd to him. 'Its not any different, if you trust someone with you life day in and day out, those type of relationships are bound to at least be explored. At least, that's the way I've always seen it.' So there you have it, straight from the horses mouth, well, not so straight we see. Are the fangirls going to have to drop their dreams as the boys have found themselves a different bond? Only time will tell"

Jinx wiped away tears, this was hysterical. "No more, no more, my poor stomach can't take it."

"Yeah, don't want to hurt the precious cargo" See-more sneered, flipping back to the article Mammoth tried so hard to hide.

"What luck. The criminal group known as the H.I.V.E F.I.V.E has been missing a key member as of late. The only female of the team, codename Jinx, has been mysteriously absent from recent missions. Jinx has had romantic involvements with two Titans that we know of, first with Cyborg when he went undercover in the academy. This proved a heartbreak for the hex witch, as the boy she had fallen in love with proved nothing more than a hologram, a false persona created to discover the secrets of her school. Though she spent some time moping over this deception, she soon moved on to date another hero. Kid Flash, fastest boy alive, has flirted with Jinx on multiple occasions, leaving her flowers from the start. Shortly after their first meeting, interaction between the two caused a great deal of damage to her bedroom. Later, when the devious Madame Rouge was to take Kid Flash into custody, Jinx had a change of heart and let the speedster escape, attacking her former idol. Later she declined a simple heist with teammate See-more, who-" See-more's eyes went wide. He blushed and put the paper down, enabling Gizmo to pick up where he left off.

"Who seems to have some affection for the hex witch as well. Jinx's absence on the team is noted mostly due to the claims that odd herbs and fruits have been purchased for the base, sources only saying 'Jinx needs them'. Does this mean the rogue fate bender is perhaps more worried about other matters than her criminal life, perhaps that of a different life she has to protect? Interviews with a former H.I.V.E student state that 'She would be a fool to diss Kid Flash, he can vibrate his molecules. I doubt even she was able to pass that up. She's always had a thing for good guys, much to the dismay of her team, and most of the school. I think just about every guy but Wykkyd, and maybe Mammoth, had a crush on her at some point. She came just as Shimmer, Mammoths sister, graduated, and took her place as the most desired. It was once said she'd be the next Catwoman, dating heroes, committing crimes, and not caring. I wouldn't be surprised if she takes a few years off, coming back onto the scene when her civilian life calms down.' So folks, is it possible that Jinx has had a whirlwind romance, and now must face the consequences of her actions, and the responsibility of a human life? Maybe."

No one seemed to notice that the entire café was listening to the conversation, or that Jinx was stabbing herself in the hand with a fork. Mostly because they were all laughing so hard they risked hospitalization.

Raven, having read the articles at the tower, and needing to escape before she blew things up, had entered halfway through this one's reading. She alone sympathized with Jinx, the poor girl mortified.

"I wouldn't laugh too much boys." She droned, scaring the living daylights out of them. "They might pick on you next." Jinx looked up, a bit relieved, but still nervous.

"Er, thanks Raven." She commented, pulling back her chair and trying to escape the hordes of fans. "I'll assume then that the bit about you was as much of a lie, right?"

Raven raised an eyebrow. "Of course. Well, depending how much of a lie that article was. I admit, I have to wonder about that wrecked room."

Jinx' eyes flashed. "The jerk was looking at my sketches. So I attacked him. Nothing more." Raven's casual 'mhmm' made her continue. "I have a vow of chastity for Goddess sake. Like hell I'd get pregnant."

"I never said anything." Raven responded coyly.

"So, what bout you and the green one?"

"He's like a hamster." Jinx actually understood that, shockingly enough. Must be a witch thing.

"But Robbie and Star, yeah they have the hots for each other. They took my comment completely out of context, they haven't acted on it, Robin's too shy. It's the emotions flying about the tower that bother me."

"I bet." Jinx paused for a moment. "We're actually being civil. That's new. Why aren't I in jail?"

Raven thought for a moment. "Well, thing is, your teammates will be, but you don't have anything left to your name…. I have nothing on you. Much to my dismay"

"Take a message to Fleetfoot for me, tell him I prefer lilies or amaranth blossoms." Jinx causally responded, hexing the tabloid to ash as she dragged the nitwits out the door.

Raven let out a grin, this was why she hated tabloids, and also why she loved them.

* * *

A/N: The hamster comment will be explained in my next one shot. This was hysterically fun to write. I can't write the original Titans well, so lets say I'm sliding into it with this one. Look out for the not quite beast boy raven oneshot to come. and if I faved it, you must read it. 


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